'Bred Crumbs

The iPeror's New Clothes

What explains the press corps' exuberance for Apple in general and the iPod in particular? After all, the portable video player isn't a new product category—Archos, RCA, Samsung, and iRiver got there months and months ago. The excitement can't be due to the undersized screen, which measures only 2.5 inches diagonal, or the skimpy two hours of battery life when operated in video mode. As I paged through a Nexis dump of the V-iPod coverage, I searched in vain for a single headline proclaiming "Apple Introduces Ho-Hum Player" or an article comparing the V-iPod's technical specs to those of competing brands. At least the techie readers of Engadget, free of the Apple mind-meld, recognize the V-iPod as a deliberately crippled by copy protection, low-res, underpowered video appliance that is merely Apple's first try in the emerging market of video players.

Dear Jack Shafer of Slate: Thank you thank you thank you.

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When the Wheel Says Bankrupt

I know, I know, it happened years ago, but tonight was the clear confirmation: Wheel of Fortune has run completely out of puzzles.

(Why yes, I have started going back to the gym. How'd you know?)

The category: ON THE MENU. The answer: LOCALLY GROWN COFFEE.

So, when was the last time you saw "Locally Grown Coffee" on a menu? Or did I just miss an important detail? Is it, in fact, Colombian Drug Lords week on the Wheel?

Later, in the category SHOW BIZ, the wall full o' letters eventually spelled out APPEARING ON THE COVER OF ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. I guess they didn't have room for BEING DEPICTED ON THE FRONT PAGE OF ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY MAGAZINE. Dudes, stars don't "appear" on covers, they make them.

C'mon, they might as well just string random words together. DRINKING PINK STUMPS. BIG HANDS OF PECANS. CLOCK TUMORS. These would all make fine time fillers.

I feel bad for them. I'd let them have at the whole Name of the Act slate, but I know the decrepit Middle Americans the show leeches its fading lifeblood from wouldn't have it.

Still, things could be more pathetic. Like thirty minutes later, when I was coming back home after picking up big containers of spicy dinner goodies (for replacing all those lost calories), and I saw two girls, quite drunk already at 8 p.m., in front of the snobby appetizer restaurant Andalu, trying to pick up the valet.

I guess they wanted a free spin.

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