'Bred Crumbs

Gubernatorama, Day -10: It's Ed, Not Ted

Sure, you non-Californians have heard plenty about our little recall, maybe even seen the occasional wacky debate, but you're certainly missing one of the best parts: the Voter Information Guide, which includes a statement from nearly every one of the 3,948 candidates for governor. Although it can be tough to tell the joke candidates from the seriously demented ones, I've given it a shot. So, now that you're sick of hearing about the whole damn thing, I will present an excerpt from one statement, with commentary, every day up until the election.

We begin with ...

Edward "Ed" Kennedy, Democratic Party:

I am Ed Kennedy, a new kind of Democrat.

A Democrat named Kennedy? That is new!

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Putting the Ass in Mass Transit

This guy plopped into a seat on BART at 7 p.m. and practically shouted, "Ba-dum-bum!" inaugurating an oscillating stream of vocal loudness. And as I often do when I encounter the obnoxious, I wondered what makes someone that way.

His traveling companion provided the answer soon enough.

"My friend Oliver," the man explained to whoever was on the other end of his cell phone. "He's been doing shots of absinthe most of the day."

One row up was a guy with very long hair and a longish beard. Despite the fact that both were blond, the absinthe victim decided he was Jesus – or, as he kept calling him, "Jesus Iscariot." (A little known side effect of absinthe: it makes you merge Bible heroes together with their nemeses.)

At least Jesus kept the drunk occupied, for a while. When he got off the train, he shook the hands of both the sober and the toasted man – and told them his Friendster ID. Just as the real Jesus would have.

It was sad to see Mr. Christ go, because after that Blotto fixated on trying to convince everyone in a five-mile radius that bleating "dot-com" at the end of every sentence was instantly funny.

He did not make a strong case.

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Think Not of Women, Boys

Back in simpler times, authorities were content to frighten just children, often by creating charmingly stupid health posters, which have been digitally collected by the University of Minnesota Libraries (link via Zeldman). How reassuring it is to be reminded that "Most boys who have abused themselves stop before great harm is done." (Others turned out like this guy.)

Though it's interesting how many of the posters telling you not to have naughty thoughts present pictures of men playing football together and otherwise enjoying, let's say, cameraderie. They can't have had quite the intended effect.

Especially not the rodeo metaphor.

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