'Bred Crumbs
06.14.03
Commercials for Nautilus beds – forgive me, "sleep systems" – drive me extra crazy. They're just too phony, even by the standards of advertising. I've come to expect and accept that a mattress commercial, in the name of showing product and comfort, will give me one, maybe two shots of a cleancut shirtless guy or a woman in a flowy nightgown sprawling across a naked bed, relaxing as utterly as if they've just had five orgasms and fifteen cigarettes. But Nautilus crosses the line.
Nautilus gives us a half-dozen separate, rapid-fire portrayals of couples who are supposedly having trouble sleeping, and it's clear why: they have no sheets on their beds, and their beds are parked in the middle of the room. All of them.
Stop it. No amount of "acting" will convince us these are actual people. Real people use blankets.
On top of all that, for some reason the culprits behind this ad have decided that the on-screen narrator needs a storyline of his own. So, throughout the commercial, we catch him at various stops during a day of yardwork. First, he's ambling down his sleep-system-commission-funded porch at us; next, we're looking up at him perched on a bus-sized mower; finally, he's wrapping up his pitch while holding a refreshing glass of water.
Gee, it's no wonder this guy can't sleep, pulling down two jobs simultaneously, shilling for dubious bed devices and tending the back forty. I hope all that extra income has allowed him to purchase at least a threadbare comforter.
You know, if I wrote a blog entry every time the Republican regime came up with some new way to hurt me, my country, and/or the world, I'd actually be blogging every day. Some days, like today, I'd be blogging not once but twice. And the rate of alarm will only increase now that the Party can't even wait for elections before shamelessly trying to grab more power.
Sigh. Sorry. But if I don't vent the pressure occasionally, the cooker might blow. Chicken bits and scalding water all over the floor. No one wants that.
06.11.03
Major corporations pay advertising agencies zillions of dollars, right? Ergo, said ad agencies must know what they're doing, right?
And yet, Burger King's new slogan is: "The Fire's Ready."
Hey, who am I to say? Perhaps it's brilliant. For all I know, it could start a whole new commercial trend. I know I look forward to these upcoming tag lines:
- Carl's Jr. The Microwave is Set on High.
- McDonald's. We Think the Water is Just About to Boil.
- Arby's. Are You Sure the Burner Is On?
- Subway. Yeah, It's Good. I Mean, I Don't See Any Mold.
At David's weekend gathering of about a dozen assorted people to play Werewolf (with specially made German cards!), the question came up: how did everyone meet everyone?
Except for two people, the answer was: online.
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To the New York Post's tips on how Letterman can improve his show, I would add this: get the producers' finger off the damned APPLAUSE button. I swear, every sentence Letterman utters is followed by a full round of applause. Often, it should be noted, in lieu of actual laughter.
Still, Letterman would have to decline miles and miles more before he reached the Abyss of Leno.
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