'Bred Crumbs

12:01 AM In honor of today's auspicious box-office occasion, Dewayne and I co-present a recollection, compiled through the miracle of online chat, about a memorable experience a few years ago in an Orlando theme park, involving us, 'blogger emeritus Brian, a cartoon soldier, and someone wearing (quite nicely) the crimefighting spandex of a certain web-slinger.

Tim: I first became enamored of Spidey earlier that morning. The top of his uniform was definitely padded, but from the waist down was definitely not and was pleasing to behold.
Dewayne: After a full morning of roller-coastering, we decided to eat at a full-service restaurant near the front of the park. They were holding a "character lunch," which to you non-Orlandolanders means characters from the park mingle with the guests while eating. There were very few kids in the place, so we proceeded.
Tim: As we pondered the menu and enjoyed drawing on the table with crayons, who should wander in but -- Spidey!
Dewayne: In full lycra, no less.
Tim: And remember: in costume, Spidey has no mouth.
Dewayne: Or ear holes. He looked hot.
Tim: In all senses of the word. Anyway, there being few kids, he chatted with us.
Dewayne: Yes, I usually don't like to interact with characters, but this one could actually talk since his head was not giantically overblown like, say, Mickey Mouse's.
Tim: So we made small talk: is it hot in the costume, how's the food -- which, he reminded us, he couldn't eat.
Dewayne: I was struck by his casual demeanor. It was like he was a regular guy chatting us up, only completely covered in lycra.
Tim: And he had a nice voice. I was growing ridiculously smitten. I wasn't seeing anyone at the time, much less anyone who could or should wear lycra.
Dewayne: I remember he said the desserts were allegedly good, but Spidey tights aren't very forgiving to those who partake in sweets.
Tim: Alas, some kids entered the restaurant, so he had to attend to them. We awaited our food.
Dewayne: Besides, it was difficult to concentrate on the menu after he assumed that squatting Spider-Man pose right at eye level in our spare chair. Hmmm. Should I get the potato skins or the Superhero Crotch?
Tim: I'm guessing Kirsten Dunst faced the same dilemma.
Dewayne: After Spidey moved on, we were approached by Beetle Bailey, who must remain mute according to character bylaws.
Tim: He's a big foam thing. We had no way of knowing whether Beetle's occupant was male or female, vegetable or mineral. We just knew we didn't want him to come to our table.
Dewayne: I tried to deflect him with "I'm sorry, Beetle, I don't think we're allowed to socialize with you." No dice. Down he sat and grabbed the crayons.
Tim: He grabbed a red first, and scribbled a line on the table (covered in paper a la cheap Italian restaurants). Then he fished around for yellow, and made another line. Then he started indicating both lines in a confusing manner.
Dewayne: It was theme park charades. And then it became clear. He was drawing the rainbow flag. What could it mean?
Tim: It wasn't so clear to me. I thought he was just trying to figure out how to make orange without an orange crayon.
Dewayne: Apparently Pvt. Bailey missed the don't ask, don't tell command as he began writing "Have you ever been to PH?"
Tim: Not being an Orlandoite, I didn't know what the code meant -- Parliament House, a big ol' gay club. Brian knew, but he played along: "Pizza Hut?"
Dewayne: Beetle twisted his big ol' foam head left and right in a definite NO fashion. We said "Oh, we've been to Pizza Hut many times." (Wink, wink)
Tim: The game of 20 Gay Questions continued. "Do you work at PH too?" Dewayne asked. Beetle then mimed carrying a serving tray. "Do you ever have Jell-O Shot prices written on your chest?"
Dewayne: I was using process of elimination there. Anyway, dual careers at theme park and gay bar. Only in O-town! So then I asked "Does Spidey go to Pizza Hut as well?"
Tim: You asked that after he drew an arrow linking the rainbow to the head of Spidey you had drawn earlier, with the words "LET HIM EAT CAKE."
Dewayne: Oh yes, I had forgotten. I crack me up! I had been bothered by a nagging question concerning Spidey. I mean, was he gay-chatty or just superhero friendly?
Tim: But there was the arrow, and a nod, and yes: this particular Amazing Spider-Man had just been outed by another cartoon character.
Dewayne: Ah, the wicked web we weave.
Tim: The rest is more wish than story. I became determined to ask Spidey out, but kids started filling the place and he had no time for us, though he knelt tantalizing close once.
Dewayne: But I do love telling that story. It's almost as much fun as the Great Miss America Ruse, but that's another saga. Is there a real end to our Spidey experience?
Tim: For me there kind of is. I kept looking for him in comic-book land, to no avail. I finally got out my frustrations by manning the water cannon above the flume ride, trying to get cute guys wet in strategic places.
Dewayne: Hey, that's the whole reason I bought a digital camera!
Tim: Also, for my peace of mind, I decided that the man inside the Spidey tights was horribly dull. And missing an eye.

Disclaimer: The appearance in this story of any person is not meant to imply anything regarding that person's sexual orientation. Oh wait, I guess it is.

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09:36 PM Another novel search query that reached this site:

 
Apparently, some people seem to mistake search engines for wishing wells -- type it and make it so.

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11:11 PM And so we gathered around our TVs en masse (didn't we?), wanting to share the milestone with each other, treasure the memory together, hope the sociability would keep the inevitable moment of saying goodbye to a friend, even just a TV friend, from clogging our corneas and craws with stupid, stupid tears.

OK, no, that's not really what happened tonight; what really happened is that parents carefully shepherding their preschooler through a touchy educational TV moment -- along with more than a few easily entertained non-parents -- watched in their own domestic units as Nick Jr. deftly navigated the notebook-shaped host's baton from Steve to Joe, marking the only turbulence ever experienced in the marvel of wise simplicity that is Blue's Clues. And those who know of what I speak, you gotta admit that when the show's giant new caretaker and a cadre of animated household objects exceeding even a Beauty and the Beast LSD trip watched those bus doors close to cart Steve off to college (college? Geez, he needs the help of toddlers to work out tame puzzles created by a dog!), you misted a little. "Don't worry about me, honey," you sniffed to your mystified child if you had one, and to your Ikea coffee table if you didn't. "A bee stung me in the eye, that's all."

Yes, I'm overdramatizing, but wouldn't Tickety have wanted it that way? (At least Steve's bus wasn't shot down over the Sea of Japan.) Plus, there's no getting around the fact that the occasion is implanted deep in the cortical nodes of the target audience. Fifteen years in the future -- in the pointless tradition of Joel vs. Mike, Kirk vs. Picard, Darren vs. Darren -- college kids will no doubt while away the hours over their Space Cappucinos arguing earnestly about Who Was Better, Steve or Joe.

And although it's a little unfair to Joe, who hasn't yet had time to come into his own, let's start building the podia for this sad little debate.

Steve (Steven Burns) Pro: Has an appealing dimness; you find yourself believing your 3-year-old really is brighter (and so does your 3-year-old) Pro: Tosses some asides for the adults (not dirty, just aware -- "I didn't know there was a waterfall in the backyard. I need to get out more") Pro: Does great character voices Pro: Has spent six years of his young life entertaining your children Con: Haircut issues Con: That one damn shirt

Joe (Donovan Patton) Pro: Has an appealing fondness for ducks Pro: Wears a variety of colors of shirts -- even orange! Pro: Amazingly bright teeth should encourage kids to brush Pro: Left-handedness helps freaks like me feel better about themselves Con: Astonishing tallness may frighten young children and short adults Con: Sure, it's easy to come in and play with the dog if you haven't had to endure her unhousebroken youth

In a week or so, I'll link to Steve's cool new website, but right now, the site says, it's getting so much traffic that parts of it aren't even showing up, so let's not abet the problem, shall we?

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09:58 PM There was an impulse purchase this weekend. The show-tunes/soundtracks/imports/divas CD shop at Market and Noe had the audacity to put the soundtrack from Danger: Diabolik in the window, so I had no choice but to buy it.

For those of you not already wincing in pain at the mere mention, Danger: Diabolik was one of several Italian attempts in the 1960s to rip off James Bond. It features a greedy, annoyingly skinny master thief and his greedy, vapid sex supply repeatedly outwitting another supercriminal and a thuggish, incompetent police official, leaving the viewer with no one to root for.

(For this kind of massive cynicism to be worth watching, it has to be involving, groundbreaking, and entertaining at some level. The videogame Grand Theft Auto 3 -- despite its brutality, blood, and hints of the very same kind of stupid racism that just got Abercrombie & Fitch deservedly in trouble -- pulls it off. Danger: Diabolik does not.)

Danger: Diabolik got a reprieve from utter infamy when it was chosen as the subject of mockery for the final episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. In that episode, a frequent source of agony/amusement for Mike and the 'bots was the soundtrack, a repetitive collection of strained attempts to be cool. Nonetheless, the CD does have some revelations and treats:

1. The words of the endlessly recurring chorus, which sound for all the world like "dee dee da," are really "deep deep down." It takes the listing of track titles to piece that out, but it's true.

2. One track, innocuously titled "Valmont's Go-Go Pad," is strangely interesting. It sounds like a depressed Cibo Matto trying to imagine an attempt by the early Moody Blues at a dance song.

3. The CD contains a non-Diabolik nugget of absurdity: "OK Connery," the extremely overwrought theme song from another Bond hack job, Operation Double 007, which starred Sean Connery's brother Neil. Really. The track is the Italian version instead of the English, but it's still way tasty.

So, I'm set for my next '60s lounge party. Which should happen around, oh, never.

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Regarding the Grand Theft Auto 3 reference above: Robbie recently caved and bought a PS2. I don't play GTA3 because I'm too uncoordinated to handle the driving; on the other hand, I'm surprisingly adept at fighting games like Virtua Fighter 4 that confound Robbie. And then there's the addiction of us both, SSX Tricky. Hello interactivity, goodbye massive chunks of time.

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