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09.10.03

News from the Front

PANACEA, Ill. – Empowered by its $2000 victory over a 12-year-old girl, the Recording Industry Association of America on Tuesday announced a $2 million lawsuit against the students of the Happy Time Day Care Center.

The suit claims a computer at the day care center contains so many files of songs by "Sesame Street" recording artist Elmo that illegal downloading is certain.

"Our records clearly show that no one has ever intentionally purchased this many Elmo songs," said Field Marshal Klaus Fabricate, head of the RIAA's Enforcement Squadron. "At least not without almost immediately committing suicide."

Facing a steep decline in sales fueled by shoddy output, flagrant overpricing and a complete failure to meet the needs of its market, the recording industry has decided to blame everything on digital file traders.

"When we ask our marketing people what we can do to better serve music buyers, they just stare into space and drool," said RIAA vice president Üter D. Nile. "Meanwhile, our lawyers assure us that a massive, capricious attack on our consumer base is the wisest course of action. And that alienating children, who haven't yet learned to despise us, is particularly vital."

RIAA lawyers also filed suit against 6-month-old Denver Amber Hastings, accusing the infant of burbling in a manner that "suspiciously resembles" the diatribes of critically praised hate advocate Eminem; and against the unborn fetus of Andrew and Leslie Simmons, which "has been downloading life-giving nutrients without the written consent of the RIAA."

Nile noted that puppies and kittens would likely also be crushed by the industry's death throes.

"Whether biped, quadruped, or as multi-limbed and arachnoid as a music executive, consumers must come to understand they must do things our way," Nile said. "By even thinking about downloading music, they disrespect the artists we treat like shit. And, after all, isn't it all about enriching our lives with great music?"

Also on Tuesday, the record industry released new albums by Seal, Sir Mix-A-Lot, the Romantics and Iron Maiden, as well as the Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star soundtrack.