'Bred Crumbs
08.18.02
If you've aged out of drum corps, live in the Bay Area and have a taste for social anarchy, Extra Action Marching Band may be the outlet for you. This extremely ragtag band invades local clubs and turns them against their will into odd chaotic parties complete with slutty, raucous flag girls.
The article is from The Wave, a relatively new local entertainment guide I finally looked inside and was surprised to see that it's just about as entertaining, informative and original as it claims to be. A highlight of the current issue is the review of a video made by fundies to rid the world of the menace of witchcraft and its No. 1 recruiter, little Harry Potter. An excerpt from the review:
The Lightning Bolt: A Power Symbol
At nine seconds, this is the shortest of all the horror-of-witchcraft segments. Caryl [a cult "expert"] tells us that Harry Potter has a lightning bolt mark on his head and the lightning bolt was a symbol that Hitler used sometimes. And that’s it. That’s the end of her argument against lightning bolts. My laugh reflex was in no way ready for the "something in common with Hitler" trump card, so this part of the video made most of what I was drinking come out my nose.
· · ·
Attention, Star Wars culties with far too much money! Want a "saber" that doesn't function any better than any other replica of this nonexistent fantasy light sword, but is handcrafted needlessly of "aircraft-grade" aluminum (or, for the upwardly mobile Jedi, stainless steel) and plastic and an actual light fixture and LED indicators? Then head to Park Sabers, where for as little as $210 you can have a faux-space-pointy thing that will impress ... well, no one. But the detachable "blades" come in lots of pretty colors. Sorry, Samuel L., no purple, though you can get what is described as "reddish pink" (as opposed to what, bluish pink?). And remember, "Parks Sabers have the highest quality features." Keep that in mind when you're shopping for your next saber in the highly competitive phony-space-war-foil market.
Now, you might be saying, "Bob, in these tough economic times, how could I possibly justify throwing away two to three hundred hard-earned American dollars on something so frivolous?" Of course, you can't. Fortunately for your addiction, you can spend just $80 and get one that doesn't have a light attachment. Don't worry, you can still get plenty of action at the conventions! Is that a light saber in your terry robe, or are you just glad to see my Leia buns? But if you're going all-out, and the concept of powerful, extending boy-sticks isn't phallic enough for you already, make sure to order the Freudishly misspelled "Malestrom" model, with its "aluminum body accents."
To make this business concept even more jaw-droppery, there's a photo gallery of satisfied customers (the German woman gets points for choice of scenery). Also, the manufacturer tells us that his line of work is dedicated "toward the glorification of Christ" – not, as one would reasonably guess, the glorification of Force mumbo-jumbo or weapons lust or George Lucas. Speaking of whom, the site seems very careful not to use the "L" word before "saber," lest the Lucas litigators come a-knockin'.
But I guess I shouldn't make too much fun, since Robbie and I are considering going to Burbank in November for a Farscape convention. Segue ...
· · ·
The programming monsters at the Sci-Fi Channel are introducing a new manipulation to the world of TV: the midseason cliffhanger. This Friday, both Farscape and Stargate SG-1 end runs of 11 new episodes, half the season total, and no more new ones of either show will be aired this calendar year; indeed, Farscape disappears from the September schedule entirely. (Way to build that audience, Sci-Fi!) The channel is misleadingly advertising each of Friday's eps as a "season finale," and indications are that each will leave viewers hanging in some way. Frell.
Features
